It has been several days since I last talked with someone who I was hoping to catch up with during the week. They have been absent from all mediums and I am becoming concerned. There was stuff that appeared to go down earlier in the passing of the week that has effected and caused this withdrawal from even the virtual domain and it is concerning me. If you are reading this (you know who your are vanilla malt ^_^) then please get in touch. If you don't in the next couple of days I will need to go over there with hugs and a boombox playing Beatles tunes okay. I will dance! I hope you feel better soon too.

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This week in general has been very odd in a lot of ways. It appears that I have become the go to guy at the fun palace as there are too many chiefs ruling not enough indians with too many fingers in the pie. This means the master chief has come to me with special super urgent deliveries for vice admiral of the fleet. So I scamper and assemble to deliver in short timeframes which attracts gratitudinal reactions that will prompt additional fire fighting duties in the future. This is all well and good but made for some stress and madness.

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Contact with people old, new and random has been stirring unusual feelings within. There are some which may be thinking that I renewed my attention on them in certain ways but this is a fallacy. Others have locked gazes which has made me skip several beats as their smile bore deep into my soul. Then with the special person who has been receiving my attentions and whom I do have some feelings for, I am unsure if they are aware or if the feeling is reciprocated. I like her a lot and have done so for some time. Yet now I have finally step forward to be seen. She is a strong and determined woman with clear vision and this inspires me a lot. Yet I have not conveyed this. Add to that mixed the allure of someone who is tempting my fence sitting by pulling me towards the left hand side. My mind is full and I am channeling it through the processors. Yet I still know it is her that I like and she is the person I need to tell. Oh how my heart warms for her.

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Drama's are playing out all around me in the social arena and it seems that I am one of the posts standing in the middle. It places me in a difficult situation for I know the root cause of these issues yet I dare say nothing for I seek preserve friendships. Yet I know that cycles will repeat themselves as some do not get over their pasts. It is difficult, I acknowledge this. It took me almost a decade to get over the worst parts of my past and twenties years to just get to terms with some of the earliest ________..... But it only through meeting these issues and signs of defeat head on do you overcome them. When ignored they simply become stronger and that is where people repeat past follies. Still I hope that some move on and that the cycle is broken.

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I have begun yoga and I grade next week. Getting there and it should be good but I hope that my pushups are to standard. Will need to catch up on missed activity too.

So much has emerged through feelings, thoughts and activities that I have begun to draw links amongst these seemly separate events. It appears that I am wedged between feeling, inaction and frustration whilst the other side is emerging as sense of progress through determination. I still struggle with next steps, taking risks and being truly open about my deepest feelings.

How do I identify those key facts which will send whom which I care most about into the caring embrace of my arms?

And on an unrelated note, why do I let myself lose 'control' over food and beverage items which end up sabotaging my diligent day time efforts?

I need to find a way to resolve this disparate information into a clear picture so that I successfully move forward and actually get some where with closer personal connections of body and mind.

Turning 26 and still single / lonely...

Today I had a very long day at the court where there were many tasks completed and meetings had. One meeting nearly drove me to the prince of my coterie where another of a dissident clan was crowing like a fell beast about another's work towards an achievement. It took a lot of will not to shut that fiend down. Hmm... Roleplaying terms do make a great analogue.

Soon I go to training. Huzzah! Grading on the 30th, less than 2 weeks to go and my push ups suck!

First the good news, I have lost about 1.5kgs in the past week and a half which is a testament to my eating healthier again. This comes down to my bento boxes from Japan which do an amazing job at portion control and awesome healthy ingredients that are organic and meat limited. This includes stuff like soy grits, sesame seeds, nuts, noodles and lots of veggies. I have become a particular fan of okinomyaki as a healthy staple food item. Soon I will be introducing sashimi into my diet as well.

On the other hand I am probably sabotaging myself this week vis a vis a fundraising activity involving caramello koalas and freddo frogs. See for one of my sporting activities we do a once per year fundraiser and instead of me trying to sell them I just go stuff it and give the money for the box. This year I have put almost the entire box of them into a lolly jar at work so I don't eat a crap load of them but still I kept a small stash. I have been eating them everyday this week which isn't good. So I got rid of the remainder of the stash this afternoon.

I also am going to start limiting my consumption of alcohol as I drink decent amounts too frequently. It will be limited to one cider per week and one 'binge' drinking session per month. The exception to this will be one to two cocktails at Le Chat Noir when it is on.


The good news it that I lost this weight before upping my exercise to the level I want it to be at. So when things kick into gear this coming week (cycling and yoga to name to of the activities), I should see some solid results. I will reach my goal of 95 - 100kgs by the end of the year. Not far to go, just 14 kgs. It should be easy providing I don't get caramelloed!

I have been thinking a lot about identity lately. These thoughts came about during my travels when I started to think about identity and who I am. It is something I am pretty sure about, my identity to my mind is clear. My beliefs, morals, wants, desires and feelings towards life are pretty clear in my heart. The question I have is to do with the perception of identity. Namely my own perception of my conveyed identity and how others perceive my identity from their view point.

Being self reflexive, I seem to constantly assess whether or not my conveyed identity is aligning with my core identity (my beliefs, morals, wants, desires and feelings). Am I living and enacting my beliefs in the way I act. Do I actively practice good moral judgment in my dealings with others. Am I achieving my wants and desires to a healthy but not unhealthy level. Then finally, am I happy with the way my life is going at that point in time and if not how do overcome those things which make me unhappy. There is so much that is my core identity that I am only starting to explore and other parts that I have neglected. Add to that the issue that I find it difficult to convey my deepest feelings even though I am an emotionally in touch person. It seems that my core identity and conveyed core identity to my mind are still yet to be aligned.

The other aspect of how people perceive me. What is my identity in the eyes of other people and most importantly my friends. This I find difficult to assess. Am I seen in a positive or negative light. How do I ensure that my perceived identity is not corrupted. How do you tell when a person who is innocuous is incompatible with your identity or whether you are not properly aligning with your identity. How do people feel about me and does that match how I feel about them. How do you modify the perception of others or do you try. Do you just live according to your core identity and hope that people see you for who you intend to be.

These questions make me a little anxious. Yet I am finding that I am the most comfortable in my skin that I have ever been. The people who surround me, the activities I am active in and the mental outlook have become closely aligned to who I want to be. What disturbed me the most however is that the time leading up to Japan (with exception of contact with my friends) caused me to doubt myself and made me extremely depressed. Japan was the single best anti-depressant I could have had and it has cleared a lot of the haze that clouded my mind since the new year.

So now that my mind is clear I am reconstructing balance and diversity into my life which more closely reflects who I want to be. This will include more physical activity, yoga, meditation, dance and theater. That said I will keeping this life style flexible so I can increase and lessen the load as required. This is essential for my continuing happiness.

On a final note, I need to resolve where I want to be in terms of relationships of a romantic nature. Finding that which makes me and the potential other happy. That other thing I struggle with is when do I take things to the next level and how should I go about it. Last year I was so open and forthcoming and this year I am not taking next steps. I really should take those next steps.

I have said my piece now and anymore I say will probably be ramble so it is best to end it here. Thanks for reading :)

You know those points in your life when you need to make difficult choices. Those choices which you agonise over as you fear the consequences. Yet by the same token these choices need to be taken because without that course of action you are doomed to despair. Well I have had to face this three times so far in the past few months and you know what, it is not any fun!

The first had to do with a noxious social situation where I felt wronged on a deep personal level. Whilst this decision has been made, it will not be broadcasted anymore than done.

The second decision was to do with a situation where I was becoming an outsider with limited contribution and where my role felt more like a chore than an enjoyable gaming experience.

The third and most recent was to do with an excess in commitment. My weeks have been so heavily regimented that I felt myself being pressured from all directions. My aspirations in a number of areas remaining unfulfilled and life in general was out of balance. That is why I could not find the heart to put my best effort in to what I was undertaking. It drained me of spirit.

With these decisions taken I feel that I can move forward onto happier more fulfilling times. Maybe my fitness will improve too. That said, there are people whom I am not sure will be too happy for times to come. With that said, you cannot make everyone in your life happy so you need to learn from experience. It is a shame but in the end we need to look after our own wellbeing.

In a side note, I finished sewing and creating my first true clothing project. I made a pleated dress with chains. It looks somewhat like a nuns dress with added chains and looks quite nifty.

Hmm, life must change.

I find it interesting that I have returned to LJ after a stint with Wordpress. I think it is a mood thing.

Anywhooooo....

Two things....

Today I attempted and sort of succeeded at sewing together a pleated samurai skirt / Hakama. I made a mistake in making it which meant that I will need to do more work so the pleats stand out. At the moment it looks like an ordinary dress with a little crinkling. That said, I have another three cuts of fabric to play with which totals to about 4.5 metres in which to go mad with pleating. That said, the second skirt / Hakama will be a little smaller but also allows for the wearing of funky socks.

I must say that I am pretty impressed with my sewing skills too, this has been my first real attempt at making something from scratch and my third attempt at performing clothing mods. So all in all I am impressed. Curious to see what project I attempt next. I have many ideas, that is for sure.

2009 the year of channeling the creative I guess.

The second thing is that I have become a fan of Gintama. It is an hilarious series which I encountered whilst on tour in Japan. The manga is entertaining and so is the anime. Fun times

Hmm, I really need some romantic company, sigh...

During recent adventures something so seriously awesome was purchased. Yet it is missing a lower half. That half which screams awesomeness but is that which needs to made through the employment of a machine that applies stitches to fabric.

Well then it so happens that I have purchased three ingredients...
1. 6 x 1 metre cuts of 1.5 metre widths of weighted black cotton
2. 2 metres of black elastic
3. 1.5 metres of chunky chain

They will be assembled into something that is hopefully awesome but also something which will test my sewing abilities. It must be ready by a weeks hence and therefore the march is awwwwn. It will be awesome though and I look forward to wearing it. All await a big reveal??

This evening was filled with cider and developing bonds with people I have met in the past. Next week I will need to renew the bonds between people of this year minus five for there are some from that time which I have neglected for a while. It is good to keep bonds strong where possible. Also reduces the need to buy new underwear. Ouch I think I just burst my puncreas.

My nose has been a little strange. It healed up right but then a week ago the was oddness and now I have delayed fleshiness. Hope it heals up soon, if not I will see the doc again about it. I also want to get a cardiogram just to make sure that I haven't got heart weirdness. It is just a thought from when my doc expressed concerns about a low heart rate. I just want to make sure it is a fitness positive rather than a health negative.

Work has been interesting over the past few days as I got right back into it the day following an international flight. This was crazy but amazingly I have got stuff done over the past few days. I am going to build to a point where I more consciously edify my job through and appreciate my role within the organisation and take more pride in the work I undertake.

Soon I want to start looking at moving out of home in a serious way. This is because whilst have it very good here, I want my independence. Also, I want to be able to truly do what ever I want at times of my choosing. Whilst I do have freedom to do this, there is still the issue of pre-arranging dinners and stuff. So independence would be a good thing.

Venting of truths has kept my heart true and I await the return of special people so life can continue proper like. We'll see how this happens though. I have found many people whom I care for though and so if others drift away, it is as the river of life wills. It takes two forces to unite and that is for one to divert the water whilst the other builds the dam the prevents the increase of distant travels.

I have created my Japan blog in which I will be writing about my travels. It is set to start in just 2 days. I hope to write about my experiences in an informative yet entertaining way, so please check it out at http://strykingjapan.wordpress.com/

An Extract: Welcome to Stryke in Japan. This is my travel blog that waxes lyrical about the resplendent and tasty adventures whilst in the land of the rising sun. This trip takes me through out the Kanto, Kansai and Chugoku regions of Japan. Specifically I visit Tokyo, Nikko, Hakone, Kyoto, Osaka, Nagoya, Hiroshima and surrounding towns. My interests are in the history, architecture and historic and contemporary culture of Japan. Further to this I explore Japan's vibrant pop culture and the alternative scenes which bubble very close to the surface. So enjoy my blog and hopefully get some ideas for your own adventure to Japan.

Japan Party: It was awesome and all my favorite people turned up. Thanks to each and every one of you for getting there and giving me a farewell. You're all wonderful people. Hopefully the dosage of Gackt did not destroy your minds too much :3

Love and Hugs for all,

Terence

So I wont go into to details because frankly I am not in the mood to re-count the events of the past week again. Suffice to say that the past week has capped a couple of months of grueling trials, tests and demonstrations of 'inner strength'. One part of me asks what I have done to earn so much negative karma and another part of me is going well may be all this shows me how far I can go before I need to stop.

I don't think it is bad karma on reflection and rather believe it to be an inner voice telling me that I should give myself more credit for who I am and push beyond my mental limits. Recent events have spawned me to be more active in other parts of my life through creative activities, reading and real relaxation. That and I can see that I need to do things that sustain my focus as it is the only way I will move forward.

To sum it up in a phrase: I need to dedicate to myself so I can dedicate myself to others.

Recent events though immediately negative will yeild positive long term results.

I have been here in Melbourne for the past two nights and a day. It has been a tremendously awesome adventure where I have met with people new and old. Then we come to the chess nut of rules. Shy said a few weeks back that rules are meant to be broken, at the time I rejected this outright. although the rules that we were discussing were completely different to the one I broke...

See there is some one I like, some one I like who is separated by a distance of hundreds of kilometres. Yet, my feelings are strong and I enjoyed every moment with her yesterday. There is something there, something positive. For this I am glad, because there is potential and she is seriously cool. Though, this is where the distress or rather the sort of feeling that matches the words 'oh crap, why does this person have to be so far away... GAD DANG IT!!'

So yeah, this weekend has been awesome and I will need to think how this issue of distance can be addressed because I want to pursue the emotions that reside within this space.

Hmm, life realy is like a soap opera. Alas, my internet access card will run out soon and thus I shall be signing out now.

3.25pm flight... Rock Rock On...

On a side note, Digimon Data Force... WHAT THE FUCK BBQ??

This evening on the way to doing my Tuesday night assisting (which didn't go too well) , I was listening to Hack on naturally my favorite radio station. They were talking about the rights of same sex couples to adopt kids. The arguments can be summarised in very simply. Christian lobby group says gay adoption bad / gay lobby group calls for equality.

So I start listening at the point where they are discussion research, the christian lobbyist starts tromping out stats which 'conclusively prove' that same sex couples make horrible unstable parents which is not good for the 'children'. Pretty much the usual homophobic line we hear from them. The research gets comprehensively dismissed as crap by an independent research who cites several reasons including sample size, methodology and the overall epistemology used. The Christian lobbyist tries to back out and but is called out on this by Kate and promptly stops his line. The gay lobbyist used reasoned and calm argument to state simply that they want equality and that it make no difference whether they are same sex or not so long as they love their kid(s). In the end the Christian lobbyist gives up and states that he just cannot except the idea of same sex adoption from a purely religious point of view. I recommend listening to the actual broadcast on the website as that will provide clearer context. It is available here: http://mpegmedia.abc.net.au/triplej/hack/daily/hack_tues_2009_02_24.mp3

There was one thing that struck at me. It is the concept of stability and love for the children and the argument that a nuclear family is the best environment to raise a kid. I find this totally baseless. At the core, how does a nuclear family automatically equal a stable environment to raise a child. It does not factor in domestic violence, accidental pregnancy, unwanted kids, child abuse, parental mental problems, divorce, separation or a multitude of other factors that can render a nuclear family unstable. The main point of contention for me is the love and care for the child and there are a lot of heterosexual parents and potential parents whom do not love and care their children.

Personally, along the lines of my social libertarian credo (people should be able to do whatever the hell they want so long as they don't cause substantive harm to another) I feel that same sex couples should be able to freely adopt children so long as they satisfy the same criteria that heterosexual couples face. Same sex couples along with hetero couples who want to adopt in most cases have immeasurable amounts of love to give to others. This I bet would usually be up and beyond the unwilling parent who accidentally get thrust into a parental situation or those whom are in a troubled socio-economic situations. But that said, I am probably generalsing my opinion a little.

The main thrust of my argument is that parents regardless of gender balance or sexual orientation should be if they so desire be entitled to adopt a child. What really pisses me off is that people think that they have the right to hinder another persons freedom. I am sure there would be a colossal up roar if Christians or any other religious denomination were suddenly told that they no longer had the same rights as other people based upon their choice of faith.

Meh, that is mah opinion.

Paralleled From Styking Digital Cosm

Through roads traveled many times in different light with the flutter of birds on occasion or the screaming sounds of a car at lightning speed it appears that life is built on certain notes the play with unusual rhythms. Make a choice and the pitch changes considerably with remarkable pace. This has happened so many times already this year. Pitch and tone have been engaging yet discordant and I find myself swimming in a sea of aural experiences.

Add to this a realisation of a number of truths and the breaking of a number of rules and well I can see many harmonies forming. Yet some are indeed tremulous, fearful yet promising and a risk that is well worth it. Many things are going to happen this year. Some I am aware of so that I can compose the song pleasant to the ears of attentive listeners. Whilst other passages are almost completely enshrouded as to prevent the playing of notes until they are close enough to be kissed. As the tempo excelerates, the notes will be read. The notes understood, built upon and composed into a most resplendant song may lead the road away from the familiar. Distance becomes closer whilst familiarity may become something else altogether.

One thing is sure I can hear those tremulous harmonies and they are indeed singing out with euphoric dischord. I wonder where it will take me.

Paralleled From Styking Digital Cosm


- Discovery -

Paralleled From Styking Digital Cosm

The adventures that were and those which are yet to arrive, such busy weeks slowing down the march towards going to Japan… or is it? So yes, a series of events sent me on a EMO spiral of late. A spiral which I finally got out of on Thursday night. I should go back to the start.

A few weeks back, I started to date someone. I went on the first couple of dates and it seemed something may be there but I had my doubts. Still I did a couple of things which I shouldn’t have. 1. pushed on with further ‘dates’ when I had doubts and 2. change my relationship status on Facebook. I should not have done either of these and should have called it off earlier. I am still learning it seems and one of the lessons is don’t go down this path when someone else is on your mind. So then we get to the break up (where the Emo began). It was my going to be / was my first real breakup ever. I said that I wanted to talk because I had doubts. This was taken as the breakup, I did not intend it this way as I genuinely wanted to speak with her and explain that were just did not have the same outlook / attitude on living and experiences.

There other things which compounded this feeling. The first was knowing I made mistakes with regards to another, wanting to make things better and continually failing at which point I have most definitely lost their respect. Japan ticket booking issues for concerts I want to go to which finally went right after a week. Taekido training issues where I was stuffing up and not being as attentive as I should have been and finally a Job interview which I had last Thursday. Add to this an over attuned empathic response to the distress of others and you can see why I went Emo. All better now though which is a good thing.

The weekend, I was Mr socialiser. On Friday night it was beer up, beer up somewhere else with other people and the Fringe where I most certainly irritated this person who I have realised has lost all respect they had for me. That said, I left this person and the others alone when I sensed this. Perhaps I was just paranoid, don’t know.

Satuday was the multicultural festival from 10am to 3.30pm. I saw and hung out with a few different people and still had the thought in the back of my mind that one didn’t want me around whilst the other was not aware of this… paranoia much. Anywho, I went to coffee later in the evening followed by crashing a Tim’s party where I met some new peoples and socialised + was friendly. Couple of people there I will probably strike up friendships with. Then at midnight I went to chrome where I lasted till 2am. The music wasn’t inspiring me and my balance has been off all weekend. Don’t know why my balance was like that…

Sunday I became inspired to increase my exposure to uncomfortable situations placed well outside my comfort zone. The day started with watching advanced class which was interesting and insightful, then I participated in the Instructors in training course where Sensei did a wonderful job of inspiring us all. Then on the last minute I decided to go to class. It was good except for the fact that my hand was sconned during freesparing. This told me a lesson about incoming kicks which will prove invaluable in the future.

So yes, not emo no more. Yippie!!

So yeah, I don't post here very often. This time I do though as I don't feel obligated to do mega posts here. So here goes, I have grading three days from now and I feel rather unfit due to the dramatic cutdown of classes recently. I am nervous with it but will capitalise on my adrenalin on the day and hopefully do well. In a side, I have a date tomorrow and it should hopefully be good. It is someone different to the past few so I will see what happens then. I am really tired. This month has been huge and I write about it in my other blog -- http://stryking.wordpress.com/ -- when I recover after this weekend. Uni work picking up even more so I will be a different kind of busy in September...

I went to Earthbeats over the weekend and graded to yellow belt on Monday, read more at http://stryking.wordpress.com/ :D

I thought I heard something. And hearing that thing made me assume something else. Actions were contrary, something different. Yet the assumed action conveyed something else. Did I really hear three words. Was one of them the word I thought I heard or another word which I thought was the other. I really need to space out a lot less and be more attentive to social instance...

There is a story to tell
not yet
there are new meetings in the future
coffee plans and discussions

A romantic outlook on the positive spin, a couple of days to go.

Well tweedle dee. I woke up at 7.00 this morning only to sleep more and wake up at 9.00 or so. Didn't have a healthy breakfast nor lunch which was very junk foodalicious yet not very nutritious. The result, burn out from about 5.30 and near total fatigue by 9pm. Had a rich vege soup but still very tired. I suck at roleplaying contemporary periods. Although, I did discover some interesting stuff and sorta directed the party as well as come up with a couple of ideas. So thats good I guess.

Holly Frustard, more posts at my wordpress blog including updates to the poetry and rants pages. You can see them here: http://stryking.wordpress.com/